Monday, December 26, 2011

Yes and No work the best if they both exist

Ever since I can remember, I have been the yes-yes-girl. I've always been the person who's scared to contradict in a conversation or to speak up if I feel like I'm being treated wrong. The sad fact is I like pleasing other people not to be accepted per se but to see other people happy. I love it when people smile and I like to help people out and do nice things for them even without personal gain. I like being liked and it's easier to be in good terms with absolutely everyone than to break off a friendship just because you feel that person is treating you like an asshole.

It's easier, so that's what I've done for all my life. Tagged along with other people trying to fit in sometimes succeeding in it and at times not so much. Sounds awful but the fact is that it has worked well. Never in my life have I lost friends after a fight and never have I infected a friendship with negativity. I've always been in good terms with everyone. Why wouldn't I be? I'm the yes-yes-girl, I'm your best friend and I will agree with you.

Until I started to say; No.

I got tired of getting hurt. I got tired of doing things for other people and getting nothing back. Even though I never did good things just because I expected to get something in return - I hate when people do that - but in general I do expect to be respected like a decent human being, especially if I do something nice for you.

I've learned that people really don't like the word No. I've lost so many friends - even the best ones - after I started saying the it. With that word I became an actual person with actual opinions of my own who actually had developed an ability to stand up for herself and to disagree with others. As I turned from the yes-yes-girl to the yes-no-girl, a whole person, an actual human being instead of a puppet people started to disappear because I didn't agree with everything they said anymore. I wasn't a reflection of them anymore.

There's no since of surrounding yourself only with people who are exactly like you. I promise you your life will be so much richer when you learn to listen, pick up on all sorts of opinions and expand your view of the world. If you only surround yourself with people who agree with you you're surrounding yourself with... well, you. 

Friday, November 4, 2011

Monday, October 24, 2011

Monday, September 26, 2011

Bambi in New York

Last autumn someone collected piles of red leaves next to some fences near the railway. That person decorated the fence with them, writing lines from songs all over the city. After the fall came three other seasons. Over spring, summer and winter the leaves slowly started to fall off but never entirely. The city didn't remove them either so now, a year later, small tufts of last autumn's leaves are still wrapped around city fences.

Like a child, I turned to my mother last spring and asked how long did she think the leaves were going to last. "Until the next fall" she said. "Then someone will replace them with new ones." Somehow I find that thought extremely comforting.

Sometimes I wish I was born as an autumn leaf, a tree, a flower or a bird rather than human. Maybe I had turned out better. Evidently I was born human - as a person, a girl, me, and I have never been good at living my life as one. I don't know how to live this life I've been given. It's lonely to live your life as a stranger to everything around you and I don't really feel like I can relate to anyone or anything in this world. The fact is I feel like Bambi. All lost in the woods and absolutely no idea where anyone is.

(Some might think it's alarming that I can relate to nothing as well as a imaginary deer. I just think it's kind of sad.)

Sometimes I think about starting over; moving abroad and abandoning everything. I picture myself wandering in the city of New York, sleeping under a bridge and trying desperately to rise above my fears making something out of myself and my life. I picture myself in Europe, in some strange country with a new language that I can't understand. Trying my best to find a way to communicate with people. Sometimes I picture myself in a crack house laying in a pond of my own blood and filth completely unaware of the world around me. In all of these scenarios I'm less lonely than what I am right now.

I exhale by creating new; writing, painting, anything really. The truth is all of that is just a bandage for my life that's in ruins. I rather paint the canvas in red than my arms but just for the sake of being left alone. I guess what you ask is what you get. I'm all alone again but I'm sure I'll figure it out, I always do.

The thought of it doesn't make me feel any less lonely though. I'll just keep wandering around the woods like Bambi. That's what I do best.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

In the fall.

The rain tapping against the windowsill makes me feel like I'm home. It sounds so sad yet I find it very comforting and beautiful. Sadness often is beautiful. The fall is here and I'm so ready for it, it's my favorite season of the year. Everything, absolutely everything dies or goes to sleep and I do that too. I find it comforting that I'm not the only one. Moreover I know that everything will be reborn in the spring. It's almost as if the world pauses for a split second, life stops moving as fast as it usually does. Fast is not for me. The fall is.

I can't get over the fact how much has happened in a year or so. I've traveled, I've achieved, I've loved, I've been loved, I've missed, I've laughed, I've been honest, I've written, I've been broken, I've lost and I've been lost, I've found and I've been found. I've truly lived, and now I'm ready for the rest of my life to begin.

Today I lied in my bed suddenly realizing how chilly I felt. I smiled a bit because I realized the fall is finally here. My season. I put on my woolen stockings and started waiting for those days to come; when it's unbearably cold outside and I get to stay inside. Warm, under my blanket, with a cup of hot chocolate, watching a good movie. My season.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

She fell in love with a monster before Twilight made it cool

Beauty and the Beast, set in France telling the story of a spoiled, selfish and unkind prince who gets turned into a beast by a gypsy lady turning up at his door selling a rose and asking for shelter. After she getting turned away because of her unpleasant look she reveals herself as a beautiful fairy who wants to teach the prince an important lesson; beauty is what's on the inside.

Beauty and the Beast is one of my favorite Disney movies so I wanted to discuss it today. Though the story revolves around the prince... or the beast, the true hero of the story is Belle. She is kind of a loner, but doesn't feel sad over it nor desperate to fit in. She's a shy beauty who is interested in literature and is seen as the weird outcast in the village yet kind amongst her peers.

Belle doesn't feel motivated by love or have the need to have a significant other to do anything, instead she sets a high value on family relationships and when his father gets imprisoned by the Beast she offers to take his place. In fact even when she begins to fall in love with the beast and gets the news that her father is sick, she puts everything else aside and sets her family first to be there for his father.

What also shows her independence is the fact that she doesn't give a crap that the hottest piece of man-ass in town wants her because that person is a total semi-retarded asshole and Belle knows she could do so much better. Gaston is interested in Belle for her looks but doesn't care for her intelligence, he's mean and makes fun of her father and on top of that turns the city against Belle after getting rejected. He's simple minded and shows hints of misogyny shining through in his comments such as "Women shouldn't read, you might learn how to think."

Truth be told I actually believe the villain of the story is Gaston despite of the monster looks of the Beast. After the fairy has cast the spell on the prince he falls into great depression after turning into a Beast - as the Beast has previously set high value on his looks as a prince he feels ashamed of his new appearance and pushes people away with his cold and rough essence. 

Unlike a lot of other Disney princesses, Belle is nothing like the blonde helpless girls in need for rescue. She's the kind of heroine missing from today's movies and literature. Belle is a lot of things that a girl should look up to; she's independent, tolerant, loving, smart and strong.

On top of all this, Belle's man was an 8 foot Chewbacca-buffalo hybrid and she still saw the character behind him, that he was a kind person who loved her and eventually fell in love with him too. Even when Gaston is acting like a dick by getting everyone to attack to the castle and kill the Beast, Belle breaks the fuck out of that cellar and rides a horse to rescue the Beast after she has nursed her father back to health. I call that something. Belle is basically the coolest woman in Disney movies, ever.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Circles stay but people go own their own.

Do you ever look yourself at the mirror for too long and start feeling completely lost? When you look long enough the shapes of your face start to fade away and soon you will have absolutely no idea who the fuck you are.

I used to have a pretty clear image of who I was but that was before I started to care about what other people think about me. I guess that's normal, everyone wants to feel loved and accepted for who they are. I made so many friends with a worldview that differed from mine so much I kept apologizing for who I am. I lost myself in us. Now I need to be my own person again. Figure out who I am and if I am the same person I was before or if I've changed to be someone else.

Recently a few issues that have been taking the best of me for a long time finally got a closure. Everything feels so much lighter now, like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I don't feel the need to worry about anything or anyone anymore. Right now I don't breathe for anyone else than myself.

I also got my inspiration back. I've been struggling to write anything or to even paint. I've felt like I've been carrying writer's block with all the other "blocks" and suffered tremendously trying to force myself to create something. Often a lot of my creations get delayed because I sit around waiting for inspiration to pop by. I think I've made some serious progress trying to force myself to create even with the lack of inspiration. Inspiration does exist but it has to find you working.

I woke up happy today. Do you know how rare that is for me? About halfway through the day I started to get a bit annoyed but couldn't figure out why. Then I started to think about the things in my life that could piss me off and got more annoyed about those things even though none of them was the reason for me being annoyed in the first place. I couldn't figure out what I could possibly be annoyed about. At the end of the day I was so pissed off I had to take a 2-hour nap just to get over the fact that absolutely everything in my life is bloody okay. I'm okay.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Safe & Sound

I've seen the scars. Don't think I haven't. It doesn't matter who you're with or if you can be on good terms with me or look me in the eyes or even like me I can still see the scars and I will always care. It isn't really my place to say or do anything though I know you said we could be friends once the dust had faded out but I don't think the dust in your life will ever fade out. Not like this. I can't take care of you anymore and I bet you've gotten quite tired of my heartfelt letters too so I'm just sitting here in my room crying and writing here, hoping to God that you somehow see this and know that I still care, I always will care. I always will notice and I want you to stop. Please stop. I've seen the scars. Please stop.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

"Never stop running."

The last time I went to a My Chemical Romance show I was still a kid. Lost but eager to set my life right, I dreamed about a lot of things but never even thought about pushing forward to actually achieve those things. Though I had just finished school I was still young yet at the point where I should've been able to decide what to do for the rest of my life. I didn't know and it made me feel lost which made me feel confused. Absolutely nothing felt worse then growing up.

MCR inspired me a lot those days and pushed me forward with my artistic endeavor; I would never be as creative as I am today without them. I started to write a lot of stories based on their songs or at least inspired by their music and later on I also started to paint their songs into life (a method that I still use a lot). I painted nonstop until I completed my work, then I put the finished painting aside and started a new one. I could paint for days non-stop. Sometimes I put the brushes away and started to type, wrote to the wee-hours until my fingers bled. Just to write, to learn, and to create.

Tonight kind of felt like a follow up from their side even though they personally have no idea of the effect they've had specifically on me and my identity as a person and an artist. After the previous show of theirs I attended I was filled with passion, life and a drive to keep going long enough to try pursue my dreams and make something out of my life. I kept chasing the things I wanted for a while and ran so fast to catch them. MCR were my fuel.

Still I never fully reached my dreams, I guess I got tired of running. It got to the point where I was starting to give up again and finally around last year I started to feel lost again.

My Chemical Romance never seems to cast anyone aside - even if I tend not to listen to their music for a while sooner or later they sneak up on me if I'm feeling sad or lonely and make everything feel better again. Last year as I started feeling lost again it didn't take that long until I found myself reading an announcement about MCR returning to the safe soil of Finland after years. Needless to say I was excited, not only to enjoy the music but also because I knew this was exactly what I needed. I had something to look forward to again.

Back in 2007 the band's tour reached Finland for the first time. I was determined to be in the front row with all my friends so I made the effort to be there. The show was on Tuesday and we got to the venue on Saturday. We slept the nights outside and spent the days chatting with other fans. We even survived a major rain storm that destroyed most of our camp but also made the fans pull together even stronger. Three nights, four days, one band, six thousand fans and for me; my favorite band live for the first time and I was in the first row in the fucking middle.

I can still remember vividly the other fans being pulled out of the first row because of all the pressure from behind but I don't recall feeling any pain myself. I even remember someone laughing and saying how amusing it looks to see "the girl that's standing in the middle on the first row only smiling instead of crying out of pain." Funnily enough, in the first row - sweaty, without any water, being squeezed by everyone - just felt like the only place I could ever fit in. The concert gave me so much faith in myself, in not needing other people to get through life and to be what I want to be. I truly realized and felt that my life is my mission and depends on nobody else but me.

Tonight I had no intention of staying the night in a snow storm outside the venue or even getting into the first row. I am different than I was all those years back. I showed up as the doors opened, stood in line to the merchandise desks for a while, got my stuff and headed to the hall, picked a good spot on the floor next to the sound table and just took it all in.

Once MCR took the stage everything made sense again. How could I've forgotten this? I remembered how much they had inspired me in the past and how much I still get off their music after all these years. I felt a new hit of willpower and determination rushing into my veins making me feel alive again. Like I could achieve anything I put my mind into.

And I can.

It was like walking through fog for a while and then suddenly seeing everything crystal clear. Like seeing everything blurry for a while and then buying glasses. "Never stop running" Gerard stated out before Bulletproof Heart and suddenly I understood the song in a nanosecond.

Gravity don't mean too much to me.

Without gravity you don't have any weight on your shoulders. Without weight on your shoulders you can move forward. Without weight on your shoulders you can run faster. So in that very second, I dropped all the weight from my shoulders to that arena and decided to start running again. Move forward. I will chase my dreams. I will run faster.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Walk with me, talk to me, follow your heart

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. 

I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. 

And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! 

Yes, you are looking at one such individual."

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Ocean please, help me drown these memories

Sad thoughts come in many forms. They sneak up on you in the wee hours of the night and tangle you into thinking of the times you were that very stupid, very naive little child that only thought about how to survive love instead of focusing on how to handle it right and you sure as hell won't get a closure like that. A child doesn't realize there is no way of surviving love, you fall in or you fall out but once you truly love someone you always will in spite of the fact if it worked out the way you hoped it would.

And just like that, you find yourself four years later still hoping to wake up next to that person and still believing that you would be perfect together because no matter how stupid and naive you were four years ago, you were still in love.

Perfect matches often meet at the wrong time. They could be happy. They really truly could be the best two things that have ever collided into each other in this overbearing world but they will never know that because they're simply at the wrong place in a wrong time. They've met too early and they are very stupid, very naive little children who are too impatiently looking for something better, something prettier.

You can't survive love. That's the pun of it all. You tag along with it and find yourself reminiscing from time to time. There's no way to fall out, there's no way to overcome that feeling but you'll learn to live with it. Heart is a ticking time bomb and some day you will find someone who you love more than you have ever loved anyone else and it won't be a re-bound, it won't be something you just settled for, it won't be something you can fall out of. It's something you can't survive and you will never want to.

But for now... you can't help but to feel a little sadden by the thought that knocked you off your feet by surprise at 4am. You've said enough, so many words maybe even too many, but sometimes you still feel just like saying those things again.

Words are only words... Still..

Monday, January 17, 2011

Mr(s). Brightside

It's raining outside which feels strange since it's winter. I love the sound of raindrops hitting the windowsill but I'm not used to it at this time of the year. Spring rain, summer rain and autumn rain I know but you never hear anyone talking about winter rain now do you? It's supposed to be snowy or storming. But it's raining and it's a sad rain. Kind of fits my mood at 1am as John Mayer tunes are pouring out of my music player.

My new English teacher has ten rules about when to use a comma and when not to use it. My previous teacher only had one rule; if in doubt, leave it out. Why am I writing about that? I guess I just wanted to state out that everything is relative. Did you know that a seagull - the bird that is passionately hated by every living person in this lively city of Helsinki - is actually a creature that the attendees of a Zoo in Greece are very fascinated to see. A bird that arises general disdain, hate and disgust on this side of the world is appreciated somewhere else. 

I am so ready to move on from what happened last year and leave behind the cries, the stress, the breakdowns, the overbearing loneliness and unhealthiness and bring on the new, stronger me. I am now aware of the fact that what I am is what I am at my best. Not what I am at my worst. And I miss being at my best; the unselfish, bright and shiny me is dying to get out and she's kind of a cool person. I am ready to like my life again, to make friends, to love and be loved.

Most of all I miss having butterflies in my stomach, getting to know a person inside out and loving every piece of them. It feels weird yet exciting. I think you're either born simple or you're born... me. No matter how hard I try I'm just not that simple girl, I'm not that no-feelings-type-of-girl and if I step back to take a look at the big picture it's kind of twisted that I even wish I was that no-feelings-type-of-girl. That I wish I was simpler.

It's all relative as well... I'm just awkward and that's that. I guess it's possible to be bright and shiny alongside awkward. Even if it rules out the simple.