Sunday, March 20, 2011

"Never stop running."

The last time I went to a My Chemical Romance show I was still a kid. Lost but eager to set my life right, I dreamed about a lot of things but never even thought about pushing forward to actually achieve those things. Though I had just finished school I was still young yet at the point where I should've been able to decide what to do for the rest of my life. I didn't know and it made me feel lost which made me feel confused. Absolutely nothing felt worse then growing up.

MCR inspired me a lot those days and pushed me forward with my artistic endeavor; I would never be as creative as I am today without them. I started to write a lot of stories based on their songs or at least inspired by their music and later on I also started to paint their songs into life (a method that I still use a lot). I painted nonstop until I completed my work, then I put the finished painting aside and started a new one. I could paint for days non-stop. Sometimes I put the brushes away and started to type, wrote to the wee-hours until my fingers bled. Just to write, to learn, and to create.

Tonight kind of felt like a follow up from their side even though they personally have no idea of the effect they've had specifically on me and my identity as a person and an artist. After the previous show of theirs I attended I was filled with passion, life and a drive to keep going long enough to try pursue my dreams and make something out of my life. I kept chasing the things I wanted for a while and ran so fast to catch them. MCR were my fuel.

Still I never fully reached my dreams, I guess I got tired of running. It got to the point where I was starting to give up again and finally around last year I started to feel lost again.

My Chemical Romance never seems to cast anyone aside - even if I tend not to listen to their music for a while sooner or later they sneak up on me if I'm feeling sad or lonely and make everything feel better again. Last year as I started feeling lost again it didn't take that long until I found myself reading an announcement about MCR returning to the safe soil of Finland after years. Needless to say I was excited, not only to enjoy the music but also because I knew this was exactly what I needed. I had something to look forward to again.

Back in 2007 the band's tour reached Finland for the first time. I was determined to be in the front row with all my friends so I made the effort to be there. The show was on Tuesday and we got to the venue on Saturday. We slept the nights outside and spent the days chatting with other fans. We even survived a major rain storm that destroyed most of our camp but also made the fans pull together even stronger. Three nights, four days, one band, six thousand fans and for me; my favorite band live for the first time and I was in the first row in the fucking middle.

I can still remember vividly the other fans being pulled out of the first row because of all the pressure from behind but I don't recall feeling any pain myself. I even remember someone laughing and saying how amusing it looks to see "the girl that's standing in the middle on the first row only smiling instead of crying out of pain." Funnily enough, in the first row - sweaty, without any water, being squeezed by everyone - just felt like the only place I could ever fit in. The concert gave me so much faith in myself, in not needing other people to get through life and to be what I want to be. I truly realized and felt that my life is my mission and depends on nobody else but me.

Tonight I had no intention of staying the night in a snow storm outside the venue or even getting into the first row. I am different than I was all those years back. I showed up as the doors opened, stood in line to the merchandise desks for a while, got my stuff and headed to the hall, picked a good spot on the floor next to the sound table and just took it all in.

Once MCR took the stage everything made sense again. How could I've forgotten this? I remembered how much they had inspired me in the past and how much I still get off their music after all these years. I felt a new hit of willpower and determination rushing into my veins making me feel alive again. Like I could achieve anything I put my mind into.

And I can.

It was like walking through fog for a while and then suddenly seeing everything crystal clear. Like seeing everything blurry for a while and then buying glasses. "Never stop running" Gerard stated out before Bulletproof Heart and suddenly I understood the song in a nanosecond.

Gravity don't mean too much to me.

Without gravity you don't have any weight on your shoulders. Without weight on your shoulders you can move forward. Without weight on your shoulders you can run faster. So in that very second, I dropped all the weight from my shoulders to that arena and decided to start running again. Move forward. I will chase my dreams. I will run faster.