Monday, May 2, 2011

Circles stay but people go own their own.

Do you ever look yourself at the mirror for too long and start feeling completely lost? When you look long enough the shapes of your face start to fade away and soon you will have absolutely no idea who the fuck you are.

I used to have a pretty clear image of who I was but that was before I started to care about what other people think about me. I guess that's normal, everyone wants to feel loved and accepted for who they are. I made so many friends with a worldview that differed from mine so much I kept apologizing for who I am. I lost myself in us. Now I need to be my own person again. Figure out who I am and if I am the same person I was before or if I've changed to be someone else.

Recently a few issues that have been taking the best of me for a long time finally got a closure. Everything feels so much lighter now, like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I don't feel the need to worry about anything or anyone anymore. Right now I don't breathe for anyone else than myself.

I also got my inspiration back. I've been struggling to write anything or to even paint. I've felt like I've been carrying writer's block with all the other "blocks" and suffered tremendously trying to force myself to create something. Often a lot of my creations get delayed because I sit around waiting for inspiration to pop by. I think I've made some serious progress trying to force myself to create even with the lack of inspiration. Inspiration does exist but it has to find you working.

I woke up happy today. Do you know how rare that is for me? About halfway through the day I started to get a bit annoyed but couldn't figure out why. Then I started to think about the things in my life that could piss me off and got more annoyed about those things even though none of them was the reason for me being annoyed in the first place. I couldn't figure out what I could possibly be annoyed about. At the end of the day I was so pissed off I had to take a 2-hour nap just to get over the fact that absolutely everything in my life is bloody okay. I'm okay.

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