Monday, September 24, 2012

Let the future unfold

I decided to start keeping a notebook journal again and as I dug it out of the closet, I found the latest entry to be the New Year's resolution list for 2012. I was so happy to notice I got to check out so many of the resolution off already.

I made new lists too. I like lists... One was for five things I'm the most scared of in my life. The other one is for my hopes and dreamd and what I wish to accomplish in my life. I figured if I ever feel like a complete lost cause I can just check back on the lists and if I haven't completely fucked up all of it, I still have hope. Hope. What a wonderful word.

5 things I am the most terrified of

1. Hurting other people (and not caring).
2. Becoming a) cold b) cynical c) truly shallow.
3. Not making a difference in this world (failing).
4. Being too selfish.
5. Spiders.

5 things I want the most

1. To love and be loved.*
2. To find peace and true happiness.
3. Stay true to myself.
4. Help others.
5. Leave behind a better world.

* I want that great, everlasting, undeniable, irreversible, passionate, hopeless, epic, undescribeable love that great love books and movies are made of. I want to be so naively and ridicilously in love with someone that I don't care what anyone else thinks and I want that person to love me just as much. Preferably more.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Monday, April 16, 2012

The Nice Guy Paradox

Inspired by Sofia's recent posts The Girl Next Door Paradox and The Slut Paradox on her blog, I wanted to write about something I've been thinking about a lot lately. It's about the nice guys versus the bad guys conversation that's floating back and forth between the guys and the girls.

See now days the nice guys go around the internet telling how they used to be good until some girl broke their poor little heart and by all means forced them to turn into these new found assholes that hurt other girls.

I just need to tell you this; if you think you're the nice guy and believe you'd be just perfect for that one girl and you just can't wrap your head around the fact that she's ignoring you once she finally has a nice guy RIGHT HERE... that doesn't mean the picture is complete. It's creepy when you get even madder if we want to be your friend because. I bet you wouldn't have been so much happier if you would've been rejected with "Eww, no I don't want to date you and definitely NOT be your friend either."

Dear males; did you forget about the feelings? You know that stuff that's floating in your head sometimes? (If ever.) No matter how amazing you are, I cannot make myself fall in love with you. Do you actually think we want to fall in love with the bad guys? That we just can't wait to get into that messy excuse of a relationship and get our hearts smashed into those little pieces again? I personally don't scoop for the bad guys and definitely do not rule out the good ones either. I always look for that nice guy but the sad fact is that sometimes we have poor judgement and a big heart. When a guy first strikes to me as bad I still believe in them and try to look for the good on the inside. I give them a chance because they deserve one just as bad as the rest.

That's the thing with us girls, we like "healing" men. I don't judge men by their looks or shut anyone out. Nice guys don't exactly have a neon sign over their head stating what a nice guy they are, or how bad they are. You can be black, bearded, 6’5, pierced, tattooed and 300+lbs of pure intimidation and despite that be the nice guy. At the same time the blue blooded guy with a bible in his arms can be a total dick towards women.

It just isn't that black and white and people need to get over those stereotypes in good and bad. Every good looking guy might not be a jerk, some nice guy might every once in a while be good looking, every guy who's nice and good looking might not be taken, every nice, good looking, single, rich, non-cheater guy might not be gay and some day you might just get the real deal, all of the above or none of them but nevertheless everything you wanted.

TAKE NOTE: The paradox - in all of this - is the friendzone. My friendship is golden, it's not just some miserable prize that you are left with if I don't feel the same way about you and my body is definitely not your reward for good behavior. Thinking that by simply being "a nice guy" entitles you to have my love or body and that girls should use those things like doggy treats if you are a good person is ridiculous and offensive.

We fall in love with who we fall in love with. If you treat us like humans well hey, that's just great, but we definitely do not owe you for it. 

What am I in all of this? I guess this is coming from "a nice girl." I don't think I'm the prettiest girl on earth, far from it. I get nervous and less talkative when someone I consider as an interesting person is around but it isn't a sign of disregard, just rather a sign of shyness. I get awkward at times and don't know what to say but trust me when I say I try and wish I did. But I'm sincere, always, I'm honest and hurting other people is never on my list. I always try to make the person I'm with happy - this goes with friends and men and by this I do not mean satisfying people but instead somehow making their day. So no, I might not be the funniest, smartest and cutest girl but I know for damn sure I treat my men how they should be treated. So I guess I'm a nice girl.

At times a thought crosses my mind that somewhere out there might just be a man, having his morning coffee, riding his bike to work or just sleeping softly, someone who I may have not even met yet I'm going to spend my life with that person and going to be loved by him. Oh man, what significant pieces we'll be in each other's lives...

Somehow the thought of that comforts me though sometimes it makes me kind of sad. Yes, I guess that thought makes me a desperate romantic and yes, I am looking for the nice guy. And even if I have to go through all the wolves dressed in sheep's clothing and all the sheep dressed in wolves clothing (and all the not-so-nice-guys claiming to be nice guys) I am sure I will find that one person who is just a plain sheep, not the wolf. The one that is mine.

“When I was a little girl I used to read fairy tales. In fairy tales you meet Prince Charming and he's everything you ever wanted. In fairy tales the bad guy is very easy to spot. The bad guy is always wearing a black cape so you always know who he is. Then you grow up and you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair.”
― Taylor Swift

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Helsinki - Tampere - Helsinki

Whenever I have the time and money, I love to go travel and see my dearest friend. He lives at Tampere which is way too far but luckily close enough to visit at times. A week ago it was the last week of my holiday and I decided to use it to travel there. I just love to travel, and I mean any traveling - even domestic traveling counts. I love to sit in the train and watch the scenery pass by. Whenever it's raining it adds a certain vibe to the mood and I love it even more. This time I was lucky enough to catch exactly that moment. The raindrops kept hitting the window and I just couldn't stop staring at them. 

When a train window is full of raindrops I keep staring at them and sometimes start to think of them as alive creatures who are in a competition against each other. I always cheer for the smallest and slowest one. I find them most endearing and the saddest as they are left behind while the other drops fiercely force themselves towards the other side of the window. I found the drop to cheer for this time as well. It curdled to the middle of the window and stopped there. I got a little sad and put my head down for a while. But when I looked  up again, it had decided to leave half of itself behind and was now pushing itself towards the other side of the window faster than any other drop.

It won. I was so happy.

One night we decided to go check the roof. Henri moved to a new apartment last summer and apparently he hadn't climbed there yet. We took the elevator to the top floor and luckily got through the huge iron door. We didn't even have to climb to the actual roof because there was a balcony there just waiting to be visited at. There were also ladders that went up to the chimney and come to think of it the railings of the balcony weren't that high to climb over to sit on the actual roof either. I bet the roof will be the number one place to be in the summertime.

Ever since the first day our plan for the week was mostly to do absolutely nothing at all. We like to do that a lot. Later during the evening some of his friends came over to join us for a session of Scrabble. My new mission in life is to beat Henri at it. He is surprisingly good and it's very annoying. Everytime I think I'm finally in a leading position I check the score and he seems to be leading me with a hundred points. It never seizes to shock me. He is always the book-keeper though so I'm a little suspicious.

The rest of the week was quite laid-back as well. I was supposed to meet some old friends but for some reason ended up not to. I did meet up with Nata from White Trash Disease for the first time, she was a sweetheart and it was so nice to finally meet her. We had dinner at Napoli and I gladly ordered the pizza I was recommended to order without any further questions. I just could resist it after the sales pitch she threw at me, apparently it was the best pizza. Tested. Word.

Still, most of the evenings we just ended up watching a lot of talent shows and reality TV with Henri. I Used To Be Fat was a favorite of ours alongside with the alleged sobbing that always comes along with it. On Saturday he invited some friends over and after a good kick off for the night we headed to Ruma, the best bar in the country. Well, at least I like to think so and so do quite a few other people as well. So fuck you whoever decided to take down the fucking building soon.

On Sunday I left with a heavy heart, a very light head and with a minor palpitation effect. I got to the station half an hour too early and was the first one to sit in the train all alone. I didn't have my headphones on so it felt incredibly quiet and serene. Maybe even a bit too quiet, I thought as I looked outside of the window. Nothing was moving, nothing at all, not even the clouds on the sky. I glanced over all the platforms and there were absolutely no people anywhere. Strangely quiet, I thought.

I came up with a thought that the station was probably evacuated from all the people because there was a shooter on the loose at the platform area. Just my luck to be the only one left here, I thought to myself and felt a little bummed out and also kind of scared to be killed with a gun very soon. It was completely quiet except for the quiet humming of the train engine. Suddenly the train door behind me whizzed, beeped and opened. Slow steps started to walk towards my slot. This is it, I thought and closed my eyes waiting for the gun to go bang. A middle-aged woman in a flower hat waddled by me and greeted me on her way to the next cart.

I guess the hangover had gotten the best of me.

When the train finally left the station, I started to stare at the scenery again. The first snow had finally came down while I had been visiting Tampere and I couldn't help but gaze out of the window and be amazed by the beautiful winter wonderland that I was passing through. Last year we had a plenty of snow,  plenty I tell ya, but still I would've liked a white Christmas this winter too. Didn't get one but now it was finally here.White fields and snowy trees passed by and everything, absolutely everything was leaning towards blue except for the street lights that were glowing with a warm yellow light. The view was breathtaking as the sun was just settling to the horizon with thin threads of cloud glowing red and pink yet everything else shining pure white all the way from the top of the trees to the ground. Finland can be so incredibly beautiful at times.

I turned away for a second to grab my camera from my bag to capture the moment but as I turned back towards the window it was too late. The sun had already set and everything was blue.